The Vacation Hangover
We did it. We went on our first vacation post-COVID, post-Cancer. It was Brandt’s spring break and we took full advantage. The trip was nothing short of magical. We stargazed and listened to the whales talk to each other in the ocean, swam alongside sea turtles in their natural habitat, snorkeled around a natural crater. We even got lucky enough to be on the same island with good friends- snuck in a date night and long days at the beach/pool where the kids played nonstop.
I cried the morning we packed up to come home. I also cried the day we arrived, and almost every day we were there. Many were tears of joy- I was in disbelief that we actually made a trip to Hawaii happen just the 4 of us. There were tears full of fear- I had to make these memories “in case” the cancer decides to ever return. There were also tears of frustration. The energy it took to physically get there, the pain that still takes residence throughout my body. The hopeless feeling of disconnection as I stared in the mirror each morning getting ready to head to the beach.
I completed 14 months of treatment following a triple negative Breast Cancer diagnosis in November, 2021. For me, that feels like a lifetime ago. To my care team, it has been a short 5.5 months. That’s hardly enough time to have allowed my body to heal the way it deserves to, and needs to. I returned to work full time in January, 2022 and every day since has been a constant struggle. There have been some good days; positive scan results as we embark on the 5-year maintenance plan; spending all day at the baseball field watching Brandt and Max do what they love, with their dad alongside them coaching and lifting them up. There are also constant reminders- 1 year anniversary milestones that seem to haunt too many days on the calendar.
These days I feel like I am constantly re-evaluating my life. How I spend my days, who I spend my time with, and what I put my energy towards. Even though the “active treatment” ended months ago, there is still a significant effort I have to put forth each day into my recovery. Depending on the day, the moment within the day I find myself bouncing between “I’m FINE!” “I can’t do this” or even “I don’t WANT to do this anymore”. I keep telling myself that one day it will be ok. One day I will find the new normal.