Scanxiety& cancerversaries
I’ve tried to write this post several times over the last couple of weeks but have had trouble with coming up with the words. This month has been a roller coaster filled with so many ups and so.many.activities. I am thankful the boys are playing football, baseball, tae Kwon do and loving school but man, I think we’ve entered a whole new level of “busy”.
Saturday marked the 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis. It was emotional but in a good way. Marc and I spent the day at the spa (thank you friends!) and talked a lot about how the last year has changed us. Marc cooked the most amazing meal and we had a really lovely night with a few loved ones to celebrate and say thank you to the people who really picked us up in the most tenuous of times. Who treated our kids like they’re own. Who answered every single call and laid with me in bed when I was at the lowest.
I took on a new adventure this fall which felt crazy but has brought so much meaning to my life in ways I haven’t experienced before. I helped coach the hbhs girls tennis team and we had a phenomenal season. Our last match on Friday was celebrated with our 15th win. The girls surprised me with the most beautiful card. This last year has taught me life is so fragile and it’s important to seek the things you love and bring you joy. While it added another layer of chaos, I am so thankful this opportunity was brought into my life.
And then the scans. The last 2 weeks I had my annual pet scan and mammogram to check if all of the shit worked. The shit by the numbers:
16 rounds IV chemo
4 chemotherapy drugs including the infamous red devil
Countless steroids, anti-nausea, and anti- histamines
Surgery
30 rounds of radiation
6 months of oral chemo - 588 pills and counting
The days leading up and day of my scans were littered with panic attacks. As it is breast cancer awareness month, I’ve been exposed to so many stories of young women gone too soon due to triple negative breast cancer that spread too fast.
The best news we received this fall: I am unremarkable and my mammogram had a bi-rad 2 rating = benign. 0% chance of cancer.
Being labeled unremarkable in this way is the most amazing news we received. It worked. The perseverance, the hair loss, the aches and pains, the nausea, the exhaustion, the neuropathy.
Still we march forward. One foot in front of the other just like the day we started. I have 84 pills of chemo left to conquer. Then the true recovery can begin. I can start putting the pieces Of my life back together and start to figure out what it means to be a survivor. A thriver. I am haunted by nightmares of the cancer returning and am sure to feel that way for many months and years to come.
The days are still very hard as my body is completely broken down from the 12+ Months of constant battering. An ultrasound tech said to beat cancer, you have to kill something to cure something. My spirit hasn’t been broken but most of my body has 🤣.
For now, I hug my boys a little tighter, say thanks to God for the second chance at life, and start to rebuild what this next chapter looks like. Some days full of hope, some days fear, and some full of pure joy.
I am so thankful for all of you. I can never express how much our community of loved ones has meant in the most trying of times. I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for all of you. I pray we never have to face the news that the cancer has returned to become stage IV.
