The Egg Shell Broke
Do you ever have that feeling that you’re trying to hold it all together, like the world is an egg that could shatter at any moment? Then the icky, gooey inside would flow all over without any control. There would be a mess – and you couldn’t stop the yolk from continuing to flow all over the place.
Since I finished treatment, my insides have felt a lot like an egg. I have been working SO HARD to keep it safe. Get enough sleep, drink enough water, take the vitamins. Don’t drink. Focus but don’t get too stressed out. The egg feels like it’s been bouncing all over the place lately.
I’ve spent my entire adult life with one goal and continuing to reach this career goal in mind. The last 6 months I’ve been questioning why my work and my journey towards my career goals feel SO MUCH harder to accomplish. A “typical” day does not feel so typical. It feels exhausting. Bone aching, feet hurting, migraine onset exhausting. Questioning my future has become a daily event- whether I want to or not. I recently started listening to the Cancer Patient Podcast which made me realize that in no way is this journey not over when treatment ends, but that it is completely normal and acceptable to feel like you are still very much in it for the first 3-5 years after.
The constant doctor’s appointments, the regular scans. While I am not taking a pill or burning my skin off, I’m still in it.
This has caused me to think about the future- if the future turned a different way. What if the cancer comes back? What if I die in a year? What are people going to say at my funeral? Are they going to say, “wow she was a great employee”, “she worked super hard”? Or will it be – she spent every day doing what she loved to do. I miss my kids. I miss being there in the thick of it with my kids. Most moms would look sideways at me for saying that I miss the mundane tasks that carpool and drop off to activities, homework and making breakfast.
My head has been filled with all these thoughts, and they’ve gotten louder and louder each month that ticks by.
And then it happened. The egg shell broke. I felt my insides coming apart and I couldn’t control them. I felt like I am melting in a chaotic unstructured way. It feels like I may not be able to get myself out of bed- and it was a big wake up call.
It’s time to press pause. Hard reset.
Time to clean up the ooey gooey mess. But build back better. Not an egg. But something stronger that can withstand greater force. What that is I am not sure, but I hope I can save myself and keep myself healthy enough to be around to find out.
