The Upside Down
Maybe it’s because we’ve been on a Stranger Things binge session of season 4, but the last week has felt like my own fucked up twisted version of the Upside Down. The red fog, the thunder clouds, and literally EVERYTHING is turned around and backwards AF.
During treatment, the doctors, the advice, and the approach were all very carefully coordinated and in alignment. It seemed like the doctors are actively talking and sharing the same opinions and advice. Post treatment looks like an episode of Stranger Things. I am stuck in a circular argument that I can’t get out of. I feel like there is a clock is in the background looming and tick-tocking away. Meanwhile, I feel lost, confused and unsure of where to turn.
My body resembles a town that recently had a tornado ripped through it. Street signs are missing, few remains of were once a house remains standing. I have one doctor that isn’t worried about the destruction- the town will build back slowly, with time, with consistent effort. But we got rid of the tornado! The bad monster is gone!
There is another doctor who is screaming at the house- it’s literally missing a roof, the plumbing exposed and all that is left is a stove and a front door. “You can’t do anything until you fix the house- how do you NOT KNOW THAT??!”
Then we have the kind friendly nutritionist trying to talk to me about whether I eat my feelings and do I know what a food log is. I try to explain that I was once a triathlete, a seasoned half-marathoner. I feel like I am stuck in a reality where no one understands the language I am speaking, the point I am trying to reach. “you shouldn’t focus on the past” so much. But the past is what gives context to the present.
Without the past we don’t understand our wounds, our destructed town- our own Upside Downs. They don’t make sense if you don’t know what things got to that point. I am all for an “eyes forward” approach but I am a big believer in your past creates your present – your present and your past helped to shape your future.
My Upside Down is fucked. There is a destructed town in the middle of it-there is a big large clock counting every second with a smothering intensity.
There feels like there are a lot of problems – with no real solution. There are friends jumping into my Upside Down in search of answers, but we all seem to be stuck in this destructed town- and not sure where the tools are to start rebuilding.
