Tides of change
Today is the end of another trip around the sun. This last month, let alone this last year, has unveiled a lot to me. Normally I look at birthdays with excitement - I love celebrating birthdays! It is a time to shower your loved ones and make it all about them on their special day. This year has been preceded with a much different tone than the 36 before. I am turning 37 tomorrow and I am afraid of what that means. Have I lived my life fully enough? Have I been present enough for my partner, my children? Have we made enough memories? What is enough?
I used to always look at death as an abstract object- one day it will come, but the less we think about it or focus on it, the smaller it will be. This summer has forced me to put my mortality front and center. What if the cancer does come back? What if it cannot be contained or managed? What happens next? The stark reality of the last year + has been hitting me in waves. But the waves haven't dragged me under. They just seem to continue at a steady pace- some are stronger than others. Sometimes the whitewash barely covers my toes. Sometimes the wave has such a powerful current it knocks me off my feet. And sometimes we fall- we crash. Sometimes in a controlled manner and sometimes in an ugly, embarrassing way.
I stepped away from a career I loved so much 1 month ago to focus on my self, my health, and really examine what makes my life feel fulfilled. I had expectations of where I would be one month into my journey. I thought I would be "farther along". What does that even mean? Marc is good at calling me out on my BS. He has an old soul- a wisdom that far exceeds his age. So what have I accomplished in the last month? Well for starters, I am sharing a big load of the kids/household responsibilities (carpool, groceries, laundry, meal prep, etc. etc. etc.). I sit in my office less than 1 hour a day. I listen to podcasts on my walks with Ruby instead of conference calls. I am no longer afraid of sitting in silence (this one is huge). I am adjusting to a slower pace (this one is hard). What have I learned thus far? As my husband reminded me, Change is hard and it's really fucking slow. Pressing pause on a life that you worked so hard to accomplish is scary AF. Change is also a roller coaster. There have been days where I feel a renewed sense of peace and happiness I haven't felt in years. There are also days where a gnarly wave of fear, sadness and grief of my old life has knocked me off my feet and I'm stumbling around with sand in my face.
The one thing that I have to continue to rely on is the ability to keep moving forward. Keep sitting in the quiet and allowing new opportunities and creative outlets to show up. Keep waking up and choosing myself and my boys- every.damn.moment. Keep praying, and stay connected with my loved ones. One day I pray the fear will be replaced with peace, and the grief will be replaced by thankfulness. For now, I will try to honor those feelings and know that one day they will change, just like the tide.