Building Fences
And adding in a few gates. The word Boundaries gets such a bad rap. It has a negative connotation that a boundary delineates what is mine from what is yours. When we speak about boundaries in relationships, it can be viewed if you have boundaries it's because you either have something to hide, or something is wrong with YOU. What would our relationships look like if boundaries were viewed positively? What if boundaries were used as a roadmap that helped guide one another with how to treat each other? I took a big leap this week and documented my boundaries to my inner circle of friends and family in approaching this diagnosis. It was by far the scariest thing I've done (and unfortunately I've seen a lot of really bad shit).
This new cancer diagnosis has tested me in ways I didn't think imaginable. But it has also made me realize that all of the work I've been doing in my life in the last 2 years - in therapy, in my marriage, in my friendships- in many ways has prepared me to face the unimaginable. I feel mentally stronger now than I ever have. I also feel a lot more clear about what it is that I need. What makes me happy. Are the creation of boundaries a form of self care, or self preservation?
I feel I have been viscerally exposed to my limits in the last several months. At first it was difficult to see what my limits were. What am I willing to tolerate, how much am I willing to stretch myself to hit that next milestone, close out that deliverable on an unrealistic timeline, saying yes when I really need to say no. I viewed my limits as something that showed my weakness- I believed my limits held me back. I couldn't say yes to everyone's needs and meet my own needs. I couldn't make the unrealistic deadlines a reality, I couldn't have quality time with my boys at the end of the work day. I was in a cycle of saying yes to everyone except myself. Then one day, I'd had enough. I hit my limit- and I felt weak. I felt broken. I was not empowered. I was terrified.
Whilst I've spent 30+ years putting other's needs in front of my own, I am learning that saying no is actually saying yes to myself. I've used the term recovering people pleaser lightly, but I think it's very on point as to how I view my role in my relationships. Taking the initial leave from work was the biggest step in saying yes to myself. It was the hardest, most uncomfortable feeling in the world. So I've seen these boundaries like fences- we are drawing some lines around some things that feel good, and other things that don't feel so good. But I've also constructed gates- and the ability to be vulnerable and let people in. As uncomfortable as saying no continues to be, I am finding I am able to say yes to all of the things that make me feel whole. That make the moments in this world so pure and beautiful. My time has become sacred and I've been able to take control of how and who I spend my time with. I'm still very much in recovery- of making sure the entire world is taken care of before I take care of myself. But each small step forward is a victory for my self worth, my mental health and my intrinsic happiness. We're all just living each day moment to moment. If I can fill more of my days with moments I choose, then I'd say we are winning.