Be Where Your Feet Are
The last couple of weeks have been a pin-ball (on rocket boosters) shooting between living in the past and trying to forecast the future. I am really thinking I need to ask for a crystal ball from Santa...
This third cycle of treatment has had me trying to find my groove and find some resemblance of a routine. My mind has been flailing between "everything is going to be fine" and the millions of "what if's" since our last second opinion meeting. I think some doctors excel in bedside manner and others can be more direct. While the information we were given wasn't new, it seemed to hit differently this time. So I've been bouncing around from the present moment, to thoughts of what led me here, to the future. "What will happen if...", "when should we start preparing that..."
I know that mindset has so much power in how you approach an incurable disease. It also can fuck up your outlook on life, and ruin every day in between. So while my brain has been bouncing between the good, the ugly and everything in the middle, I keep trying to center myself and get my mindset right.
Chemotherapy #5 was a real shit of a day. It was an early appointment (because it was Halloween) and I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I didn't eat breakfast, I didn't do any of the things I wanted. I just hustled to get out the door to my infusion chair on time (and managed to squeeze a few pictures of the boys in their costumes in between). We were also prepping for our first round of CIF Playoffs so damn it be if I have to miss a fun practice on Halloween that I was so looking forward to. So I pushed through the day. I went from chemo to practice to my dear friend flying into town to trick-or-treating. In the middle of the hustle and bustle and insanity, I was trying to quiet my mind. The week prior I was met with a sobering realization that while I am doing ALL THE THINGS to keep my body as strong and as healthy as possible, I am still going through chemo. I am still doing immunotherapy and getting tons of drugs pumped into my system. And my body is going to react as such. And FML I was so tired. So tired.
Following this shit of a day, I tried really hard last week to instill some sort of routine. I found if I focus on the things I can control (get a workout in that feels good, eat breakfast, shower) it really affects my outlook on the day, and subsequently how well I am feeling/doing/acting.
The real test came yesterday- it was round #6 and a doozy of combination chemotherapy + immunotherapy. Being the second round in the 3-week cycle, I always have massive anxiety that I won't pass the CBC to receive treatment on time. But I tried to do things differently. I made my appointment later, and I asked my dear friend to take the kids to school. I woke up, I got on my spin bike, I showered and I ate breakfast. And then we went to meet the doctor. My spin class was with one of my favorite Soul Cycle instructors who kept repeating throughout class, "Be where your feet are". Be.Where.Your.Feet.Are. Man- after the last 3 weeks of flailing from high to low and everything in between, this hit me. I need to stay in the moment. With my feet. Control what I can control. Ask for grace when I need it. Believe we are doing everything we can to beat this cancer and keep it beat. Most importantly, I need to stop running so fast. That resting is ok. Resting is healing. Quieting my mind is healthy. My therapist reminds me it's ok to run through the what if's, but then there needs to be a stopping point. A time limit where you say ok, I spun out and down a rabbit hole, but it's time to put it aside and pick up our weapons again. It's time to resume the fight.
My goal for this week and next (as I am laying on my couch writing this) is to be where my feet are. Ask for help. Take the time. Shit is really hard right now as it is raising 2 kids in 2022. Layering on a stage 4 cancer diagnosis only compounds this craziness.